How to defy gravity, step by step

It was a dull spring Wednesday morning in London and I had completed my commute to work via train and exited the station. The 5 minute walk to my office is usually pleasant. The sun tearing through the valley of tall buildings along usually accompanied by a sudden gust of wind as I made my way to the clock tower traffic island.

As it was approximately 8:40am this particular morning, it wasn't the early start I anticipated. My office held approximately 1,500 people spread across 12 floors. As there are only 4 lifts, its quite often over subscribed. Therefore I always opt for the stairs as I worked on the 3rd floor. I began to quickly climbing up  each individual step to get an adrenaline rush to start my morning. Approaching the second floor, I clipped my foot mid-set which had diving to the ground. I landed on my hand and chest with the contents of my bag spilt. Just then to my luck the door to the second floor swung open where a woman, coffee in hand, stepped out to see me lying flat. Imagining her facial expression, I wasn't able to look at her face or begin to explain how I fell up the stairs. I gathered up of what left of my shame and dusted myself off. I scooped up my belongings and walking the last set of stairs to the third floor.

When I arrived at my desk a neighbouring colleague asked me as to why I looked dismayed. "Heavy night last night," I lied. If only he knew the truth.

In future walk, but don't run.

K

A toilet/bathroom no-no

Why are people convinced they they are more photogenic in bathrooms/toilets? I've seen numerous profile pics where people have taken pictures of themselves using the mirror. Sometimes, they may have "forgotten" to clean up.

I think that a profile pic is a statement about ones life. Usually, if the person is pictured:

• In their bedroom ---> The homely kind
• At work/School ---> Career focused
• Mouth wide open ---> Aspiring food critics
• With their tongue stuck out ---> The sort who have spent a weekend at Netherland Ranch

Toilet offenders please, less phone and more face.

K

When sharing goes too far

One summer night, a friend and I were to meet up. I returned his missed call as I finished showering expecting to hear him asking me to hurry up. He asked me if I had a jacket or a jumper to "borrow" for the night. I mentioned that I wasn't his wardrobe and that he should just put on his black jacket that he usually wears. I hung up and tended to myself. Minutes later he called again and insisted that he needed a jumper or jacket as he was en-route to the rendezvous and that he was too far to make his way back home. In search of peace whilst drying myself, I agreed and hung up.

When we all had met up he asked me if I brought over my jumper/jacket that he asked for. I made it clear to him that I never let others wear my clothes. I also explained that he should have either called someone else when I initially hung up or instead made a purchase whilst on his way. 

I find it very strange how people are very comfortable when their articles or clothing are worn by others. I'm not a qualified dermatologist or a respected microbiologist but what I can tell you that it is disgusting. Did you know that if you frequently practise in this forsaken art, you reduce 12 mins off your natural lifespan for shirts and 36 mins for trousers. I haven't researched underwear yet and don't much wish to either.

When I shop it's very often for my size, style and paid by me. There has been moments when people have asked to "borrow" my formal shirts, shoes, coats and trousers too. 

Hot, cold, dry or wet..... I don't care.

Belts are included to.

K

No such thing as... Friends

We have all watched an episode of Friends before. Some of us are huge fans and own the complete collection on dvd. I can openly admit that I have never once smiled or laughed during an episode. I often find their jokes very silly. The acting is poor and the scripting is pathetic and very predictable. The punch lines are always presented in dramatic fashion too.

Why is it that no one else sits on the sofa at the coffee shop apart from themselves? Have you even tried to find an empty armchair in your local Starbucks?

I just don't like Friends.

K

My last bath...probably

I am a shower man, I've only tried the bath probably once or twice. In a shower, the water is constantly running. It's refreshing and quick. Why do people opt for baths instead?
I have never fathomed as to why women like to sit in the bath for over an hour. We've seen it in the movies and magazines. What is it that they do? Did you know that sitting in water does not make you any cleaner!

A few months back, I was advised to have a bath to "help stimulate blood flow" to a mild ankle injury I had at the time. Heeding the advice, I ran a bath one evening and slipped into it. I quickly felt uncomfortable as I'm used to water running down my body and not just stationary around me. Swimming pools are an exception. I did notice a bottle of bubble bath which I wasn't going to use as I didn't know how bubbles would speed me back to full health.

I lasted only three minutes before I made my way to the shower. I wasn't prepared to sit and bath in the same dirty water, then call myself "freshly bathed", no. What am I, a merman?

K

Thai you very much

To those who know me well, I am not experimental with food. I have been known to visit restaurants and almost pick the same meal over and over again. If its tasty, why kill off your taste buds?

A few years ago, a friend had been trying to convince me into trying Thai food over a number of weeks. Defeated, I agreed and asked her pick one out. London, Thai Silk was the decision. As Saturday evening rolled by, we met outside the restaurant. 

As we walked in, we were approached by a smiling hostess outfitted in an ivory coloured Thai dress. As were shown to our table and sat down, we were introduced to our waitress for the night. As the waitress fetched for the menu's, I took a chance to look and admire the fabulous decor. Once our waitress arrived, we had chosen our drinks and asked her kindly to give us a few minutes to decide our meals.

Most of the restaurant I've been to usually have approximately 4 to 6 pages for their menu. Thai Silk's was only a few pages shorter that the bible and the writing was as fine. As I scanned the pages within, I hadn't found anything that I had ever eaten before. Their descriptions hadn't helped either. I was surprised that my friend already knew what she had wanted, this clearly was sounding like a setup.

When the waitress arrived again, my friend picked out her meal. As I was having difficulty, I kindly mentioned to the waitress that is was my first time trying Thai food and that the menu was over whealming. "Do you have anything simple?" I asked. "Sir, would you like bread and water?" she replied humorously. My friend laughing didn't much help me in picking a meal either. The waitress almost spent 5 mins with me going through the menu, but unfortunately we failed to pick anything out.

She asked me that she can ask the chef to prepare a special dish. "How special is special?" I quizzed. "Sir, it's going to be many small dishes where you can try everything without having only one dish" she reassured. "Ok, that sounds good, thanks" I agreed. As the waitress went away, my friend was in hysteria. "You looked like you had a teacher helping you out with your school work" she laughed out. I ignored her.

When the meals had arrived, I had a large metallic brace-like frame with mini dishes hanging off. The waitress placed a portion of rice at the centre of the table of which she served a portion onto my plate. 

I didn't know where or how to start. My eyes were caught by a dish of what looked like plain spaghetti. As I tasted it, it was very cold, very fishy and certainly not spaghetti. Another dish looked like steamed vegetables but was sweet. Sadly, I decided not to try anymore but stick to my white rice. Two spoons later, the waitress asked if everything was ok. "I'm sorry but I cannot eat this," I expressed. "Whats wrong sir?" she asked. "Everything is either cold, spicy, sweet or fishy, I can't take it anymore" I cried. She went away to decided to call the manger. My friend was far to busy eating and laughing. 

The manager was well dressed man who kindly asked if anything was the matter. I explained that it was my first time that I had tried Thai. He kindly understood my point and agreed that Thai food is very different from anything else. Surprisingly, he kindly decided not to bill my meal and offered a free dessert. I declined but opted for the lemon tea instead, I needed to detox the flavours out of my mouth.

I have since have tried Thai three more times at the Blue Elephant at Fulham Broadway, London; and my experiances have bettered each visit. It's the most impressive restaurant I have ever been to. Within the building, there is a bridge stretching over a pond with live fishes, there are plants growing everywhere too.

I have always known not to mess with my taste buds. I think it's smarter to be simple and plain rather than adventures and then dead.

K

Never swim after a coffee

Whilst at work one Thursday afternoon in London, I decided to leave my office for a few minutes as I was craving for fresh air. Whilst I was making my way down the building, I was convincing myself that I needed a strategic cappuccino. The bright but chilly afternoon helped me decided that a 'chino was what I must have. From the four most beloved coffee chains, Starbucks was my choice.

Pushing the glass door in, a male assistant greeted me with the usual "Can I help?", to which I fluently replied, "Yes, one cappuccino venti please". "Anything else?" he asked. I took the chance to study the assortment of other items on the overhead menu which I hardly ever look at and replied "No, that'll be all for me thanks?'
As I paid, he asked whether I was having a good day. "It's been busy, but ok so far" I answered under my breath. A few moments later, he asked "Are you not going to ask about my day?". His question surprised me enough to win my full attention. "Ok, how are you doing" I enquired. "Well I'm pissed off and tired" he answered. "Well I hope I didn't offend you" I said jokingly.

When I received my change, I glimpsed at it and slipped it into my trouser pocket. "Excuse me but I know how to count" he said with a thorn. "Ok genius, you look good enough to trust." I replied again jokingly. With a stern look he followed with "What the hell is that supposed to mean?". Smiling, I struck back with "What's wrong, time of the month? I can come back when you're finished if that's ok".

The look that he gave me was proof enough that his sense-of-humour well had run dry. As he started to make my drink I though that it would be a good idea to watch him...carefully. I know never to upset or pest those who prepare your food.

He began to talk about his night out last-night when I thought to cut in and ask "Guess what?". "What?" he inquisitively replied as he finished my drink. "Do you think I would want to hear about your night?" I said with a stern face. Before he could react, I quickly grabbed my drink off the counter eliminating any idea of tampering with my drink. Within a flash he reacted in a tirade of french sounding angered sentences in a high pitched voice. I as made my way out of the store, I shouted back "Allez ola la piscine, je jouer au cinema", which translated to "I'm going swimming, I'm now going to the cinema". Since they were two out of a handful of sentences that I knew in french, it was only right.

I stopped by the following week, but he wasn't there. Shame.

K