My last bath...probably

I am a shower man, I've only tried the bath probably once or twice. In a shower, the water is constantly running. It's refreshing and quick. Why do people opt for baths instead?
I have never fathomed as to why women like to sit in the bath for over an hour. We've seen it in the movies and magazines. What is it that they do? Did you know that sitting in water does not make you any cleaner!

A few months back, I was advised to have a bath to "help stimulate blood flow" to a mild ankle injury I had at the time. Heeding the advice, I ran a bath one evening and slipped into it. I quickly felt uncomfortable as I'm used to water running down my body and not just stationary around me. Swimming pools are an exception. I did notice a bottle of bubble bath which I wasn't going to use as I didn't know how bubbles would speed me back to full health.

I lasted only three minutes before I made my way to the shower. I wasn't prepared to sit and bath in the same dirty water, then call myself "freshly bathed", no. What am I, a merman?

K

Thai you very much

To those who know me well, I am not experimental with food. I have been known to visit restaurants and almost pick the same meal over and over again. If its tasty, why kill off your taste buds?

A few years ago, a friend had been trying to convince me into trying Thai food over a number of weeks. Defeated, I agreed and asked her pick one out. London, Thai Silk was the decision. As Saturday evening rolled by, we met outside the restaurant. 

As we walked in, we were approached by a smiling hostess outfitted in an ivory coloured Thai dress. As were shown to our table and sat down, we were introduced to our waitress for the night. As the waitress fetched for the menu's, I took a chance to look and admire the fabulous decor. Once our waitress arrived, we had chosen our drinks and asked her kindly to give us a few minutes to decide our meals.

Most of the restaurant I've been to usually have approximately 4 to 6 pages for their menu. Thai Silk's was only a few pages shorter that the bible and the writing was as fine. As I scanned the pages within, I hadn't found anything that I had ever eaten before. Their descriptions hadn't helped either. I was surprised that my friend already knew what she had wanted, this clearly was sounding like a setup.

When the waitress arrived again, my friend picked out her meal. As I was having difficulty, I kindly mentioned to the waitress that is was my first time trying Thai food and that the menu was over whealming. "Do you have anything simple?" I asked. "Sir, would you like bread and water?" she replied humorously. My friend laughing didn't much help me in picking a meal either. The waitress almost spent 5 mins with me going through the menu, but unfortunately we failed to pick anything out.

She asked me that she can ask the chef to prepare a special dish. "How special is special?" I quizzed. "Sir, it's going to be many small dishes where you can try everything without having only one dish" she reassured. "Ok, that sounds good, thanks" I agreed. As the waitress went away, my friend was in hysteria. "You looked like you had a teacher helping you out with your school work" she laughed out. I ignored her.

When the meals had arrived, I had a large metallic brace-like frame with mini dishes hanging off. The waitress placed a portion of rice at the centre of the table of which she served a portion onto my plate. 

I didn't know where or how to start. My eyes were caught by a dish of what looked like plain spaghetti. As I tasted it, it was very cold, very fishy and certainly not spaghetti. Another dish looked like steamed vegetables but was sweet. Sadly, I decided not to try anymore but stick to my white rice. Two spoons later, the waitress asked if everything was ok. "I'm sorry but I cannot eat this," I expressed. "Whats wrong sir?" she asked. "Everything is either cold, spicy, sweet or fishy, I can't take it anymore" I cried. She went away to decided to call the manger. My friend was far to busy eating and laughing. 

The manager was well dressed man who kindly asked if anything was the matter. I explained that it was my first time that I had tried Thai. He kindly understood my point and agreed that Thai food is very different from anything else. Surprisingly, he kindly decided not to bill my meal and offered a free dessert. I declined but opted for the lemon tea instead, I needed to detox the flavours out of my mouth.

I have since have tried Thai three more times at the Blue Elephant at Fulham Broadway, London; and my experiances have bettered each visit. It's the most impressive restaurant I have ever been to. Within the building, there is a bridge stretching over a pond with live fishes, there are plants growing everywhere too.

I have always known not to mess with my taste buds. I think it's smarter to be simple and plain rather than adventures and then dead.

K

Never swim after a coffee

Whilst at work one Thursday afternoon in London, I decided to leave my office for a few minutes as I was craving for fresh air. Whilst I was making my way down the building, I was convincing myself that I needed a strategic cappuccino. The bright but chilly afternoon helped me decided that a 'chino was what I must have. From the four most beloved coffee chains, Starbucks was my choice.

Pushing the glass door in, a male assistant greeted me with the usual "Can I help?", to which I fluently replied, "Yes, one cappuccino venti please". "Anything else?" he asked. I took the chance to study the assortment of other items on the overhead menu which I hardly ever look at and replied "No, that'll be all for me thanks?'
As I paid, he asked whether I was having a good day. "It's been busy, but ok so far" I answered under my breath. A few moments later, he asked "Are you not going to ask about my day?". His question surprised me enough to win my full attention. "Ok, how are you doing" I enquired. "Well I'm pissed off and tired" he answered. "Well I hope I didn't offend you" I said jokingly.

When I received my change, I glimpsed at it and slipped it into my trouser pocket. "Excuse me but I know how to count" he said with a thorn. "Ok genius, you look good enough to trust." I replied again jokingly. With a stern look he followed with "What the hell is that supposed to mean?". Smiling, I struck back with "What's wrong, time of the month? I can come back when you're finished if that's ok".

The look that he gave me was proof enough that his sense-of-humour well had run dry. As he started to make my drink I though that it would be a good idea to watch him...carefully. I know never to upset or pest those who prepare your food.

He began to talk about his night out last-night when I thought to cut in and ask "Guess what?". "What?" he inquisitively replied as he finished my drink. "Do you think I would want to hear about your night?" I said with a stern face. Before he could react, I quickly grabbed my drink off the counter eliminating any idea of tampering with my drink. Within a flash he reacted in a tirade of french sounding angered sentences in a high pitched voice. I as made my way out of the store, I shouted back "Allez ola la piscine, je jouer au cinema", which translated to "I'm going swimming, I'm now going to the cinema". Since they were two out of a handful of sentences that I knew in french, it was only right.

I stopped by the following week, but he wasn't there. Shame.

K

Why too much talking leads to death

We all like a good movie. A great plot, sprinkled with strong dialogue, cooked with smart action sequences and glazed with great acting.

How is it that the bad guy never finish their speech quick enough before getting killed by the guy on the floor? On the floor for god's sake. I've seen movies where a rope is either pulled or a switch would be kicked into life and the bad guy happens to be stood at the wrong spot. Either the good guy is a physics genius who happened to rearrange the furniture off-shot or just sheer outragous luck. Even with his hostage intimately close by, he is hit. Why don't they make use of the 3 second window and get out of the way rather than staring and screaming "Noooooooo"?

Another popular scenario is when the "goodie" is in mercy of the "baddie"either hung upside down or strapped to a chair. Why does he escape? We all know about the old paperclip trick when handcuffed. They are usually patted down for guns etc, but what about his palms? When captive, we all know the good guy becomes a smart-arse when about to escape to ensue in a killing spree:

Bad guy - "Now that I got you, I will kill you slowly"
Good guy - "You wish that would happen"
Bad guy - "Ha ha ha.....what do you mean?"
Good guy - "Because whilst you were talking shit for 15mins, I've picked up a gun from that table over there, by secretly undoing my handcuffs, and sitting back down again"

A third common climatic scene is when the good guy is unarmed and confronts the bad guy. Taking his chances, he suggests that the bad guy to throw his weapon aside and fight fairly. Any egoistical moron would read it as question of his courage. Not me. You'd be a fool to drop the weapon. What usually happens? Bad guy gets the life kicked out of him. If I was questioned, I would just shoot and shoot again and then talk to him from afar.

The cheesy line never really helps either. I'm not going to quote Schwarzenegger as he's infamous for his triple stuffed cheesy arse lines. He is the worst non-american who only plays wholesome american characters with the most jaded and backstreet american accent. I'll save cheesy lines and poor actors for a later posts.

Bad guy(s), for insurance purposes kill the wife/friend, launch the missile or transfer the money. Since you've been looking to kill the good guy for approximately 85 minutes, the last thing on your mind is to try convincing him to accept your Facebook request.

K

Oi sunshine, do you speak spanglish?

Travelling broadens the mind, fact.

I don't like tourists, I hate them. They stand out like an albino in a rap group. Rucksacks, camera, maps, bottle of water and the accompanying cap. I am sure that they are fruitful to certain local economies and business but they also help to drive prices up too.

According to Instituto de Estudios Turísticos (Spain's Institute of Tourism Studies) 13m Brits travel to Spain each year. The flights are very cheap and are short which is comforting to families. As tempting as  the pursuit of sun, sea and sand is; why the chocolate fudge do we stay in predominately Brit resorts; serving nothing but Brit food. Are we that insecure? Probably why we Brits speak english with a faux pas accent and pass it as Spanish.

It is important to bask yourself in the colourful sea of culture and loose yourself. Once you've washed ashore, swim out again. Life is short.

With time providing, I would like to visit (inshallah):

• Korean Peninsula - DMZ 
• Easter Island - The Moai Statues
• Siem Reap, Cambodia - Angkor Wat Temple
• Himeji, Japan - White Heron Castle
• Ma'an, Jordan - Ancient City of Petra
• Moscow, Russia - The Moscow Metro

There are to many places to mention. I need to renew my passport soon anyway....

K

Last call for...

If you were given the chance to make a single phone call that lasted for only 10 minutes to anyone, past or present, who would it be?

Think about it for a moment. It could be an historic figure or a current celebrity sex symbol. The call could make you a fortune or ruin the world. Interested in uncovering the deepest and darkest secret or try to rewrite history? It's your call, literally.

My ideas:

• Warn JFK ask him to cancel off his Dealey Plaza run? Maybe, but there is always another day.
• Prevent the Sabra and Shatila massacre? But call who exactly?
• Tell Mikhail Gorbachev to completely shut the Chernobyl Nuclear Power Plant by the 25th April 1986.
• Win back Diego Garcia for its people. Not with one call!

Instead, I would call Charles Darwin and tell him that he would be made to look a fool in the future (lie) and that his work disproved. I would also advise him to study religion instead.

K

No Extra Baggage

Almost 8 years ago, I was on a 7 hour flight from London travelling east to a destination where I would spend a year as part of my international work experience for Uni. Knowing that the flight would be a midday departure, I took a few books and extra batteries for my personal CD player in case I was either delayed or unable to sleep.
With checking and security cleared with ease, I got myself into the calm environment of duty free. As I dodged the sales assistants I needed for a peaceful seating area to wait for my gate to open. Once so, I made my way to the waiting area. Since I don't like to join the boarding scramble, I always sit and wait it out until all is clear. After 15mins, an air hostess showed me to my seat when boarding.

I always ask those at the check-in desk for a window seat and to block the seat(s) beside me and it's never an issue. Who likes to sit inbetween strangers or even have them constantly walking past to go some where? This time, someone was sat on my seat.

"Sorry, but this isn't your seat" the woman was told by the hostess. The woman who was sat on my window seat either pouted and winked at me or she was eating something sour, I couldn't tell.
Being the gentleman that I am, I said that it was ok for her to keep the seat and I submitted to the aisle seat.

An hour into the flight in we began talking or rather her talking and me listening aiding the conversation with the occasional "huh huh". I quickly made my excuses by fiddling with the entertainment screen to put a movie on and put on my head phones. She asked me to help to put a movie on for her, I just selected the first random movie. After a while I gave her a quick tutorial on how to navigate the menus.

Her paternal instincts was evidence when I half finished my meal began tidying up, "Why didn't you finish your...., it was delicious". "If you want to finish my...go right ahead I replied. She immediately took over my personal space. She dug her elbow into my chest and reached for my meal tray and even pulled my tray up.

But things got weirder.

Approximately an hour before landing she asked me to reach for her purse as she wanted to "show me something". She pulled out her passport out and handed it to me. I asked her "why do you want me to see your passport?". "I want to show you my picture" she replied. For the sake of the situation, I quickly glanced at her picture and returned her item.
"No, you didn't look at it properly, look again" she insisted. I began thinking why on earth would she want me to study her pic, a stranger of all. As I reopened the passport I felt something usual on the back. When I flipped over the passport, I noticed a very neat and subtle incision exactly behind the pic. She noticed my pause and asked "What's wrong?", "I think I got a paper cut" I lied to defuse the moment.
I examined the pic and said "You look like... yourself" and returned the passport. I felt that her passport may have been a counterfeit and was examining whether I would notice. Why would I even care?

45 mins from landing and she became a little too personal by asking for my home address and phone number "to keep in contact". Had she asked email address, I would've been ok to hand it over. I wasn't keen on the idea of her surprising me and turning up at my doorstep. "I'm in the process of moving now but I'll take your details when we land" I lied again.
30 mins from landing she was trying to convince me that we would be good friends and that it would be great idea to introduce me to her husband.

As the plane was taxiing post landing, she tapped me on the shoulder and quietly asked me to help her with her hand-luggage as it was "heavy". I played along and said "Of course, why not". Also she asked my to help her recover all her bags at the baggage claim area. I remained in my seat with my heart pumping through my mouth. What could be in her bags. "Don't worry, we travelled together, we'll leave this airport together" I reassured her.

As soon as the seat belt light went off with a ping, I shot out of my seat and immediately rummaged the over-head for my bag. Whilst she was seated amongst the sea of people rising and fussing she asked "Can you get my bag?". I could see her bag but I was far too nervous to even touch it. I needed to get away but I needed to distract her, but how?
"I think I dropped my passport near your legs" I blurted nervously. As soon as she looked down to check, I allowed myself to be swept with the mass exodus to the exit. I even nudged people back into their seats so that I would overtake them.
Once I was at the exit, I told one of the Hostesses that someone had fainted many rows back and needs urgent assistance.

I am sure that she may have been innocent, but at least I Jason Bourne'd her ass.

K

I hate them and they're everywhere, they are PSR

Along with global terrorism and poverty, we must unite and combat an issue that has been in existence since man developed tools.

We've seen it happen to someone else, it probably happened to every living soul ever to grace this wonderful planet. Infact its happening this very minute. Where some of the victims are vocal and try to stand against it, others prefer to suffer in silence.

Reader, I'm talking about Personal Space Invaders.

A few years ago in London, I was commuting my way home on the train from work. As it was the afternoon rush hour, empty seats could be bought and sold for the price of a small car. On this particular day I was sat next to a PSR.
I drafting an email on a BB to a family member at the time when I had noticed that the PSR had taken an interest to my email.
Station by station, he kept getting closer. When I had my screen almost pressed against my chest, I noticed that his face was so close that the chances of something intimate happening was unusually high.
To extinguish his intentions, I quickly game up my seat, bastard.

Why does a PSR think that they're better heard if they speak closer to you face?
More so, why do those with bad breath always want to whisper "something". I want to hear your story but not smell it.

Reader, this is not a rant,well it is. Fear not, as I have the solution.

You only need 4 fingers and a thumb:

• Wrap your open hand around offenders face,

• Hold firmly and push back.

• Once your arms is stretched out, 

• Release your grip.

Be aware, get safe, win space.

K

My First Blogy Wogy

Hello and welcome,

I have always been interested in creating a blog but I was somewhat demotivated in thinking how much time and effort that is required in the maintenance alone. Most of the blog sites that I use are very impressive and professional with fancy videos, pics, audio etc.
All my preconceived thoughts were scrapped when I visited a twitter pal's blog last week. It's still baby steps for me, with time, I'll make my site a little more pleasing to the eye.

Anyway I intend to update as frequently as possible and promise to keep it Bieber fever free.

K